If you didn't read my post last week about having the worst year ever you probably should since it all ties together. Basically I've announced that I am getting divorced. Now I have so many things I want to write about and in doing so with the hope that it might help someone out there...not necessarily someone who's divorced, thinking about it or going through it but anyone who's struggling...with anything. We all have seasons in life that we don't want to go through and it's hard...especially when you feel like everyone around you is thriving. That's how I'm feeling right now anyways... I'm broke financially, I'm broken emotionally and my heart is so broken that is agonizing at times. I'm a mess...for the first time in my life. When I look at my life all I see is my messy house, that my health insurance will be cancelled in a few weeks and that my daughters school project is 4 days late. Being a single person is one thing...probably even considerably enjoyable but being a single mom is just hard. Going from being so dependent on my husband to being the only person responsible and accountable for every single thing all day every day is exhausting and overwhelming. So my hope is that if anyone reading this is suffering just know that you're not alone and even though life might suck right now the odds are that it'll get better....and if it doesn't I'm just going to join the Navy.
Lately I feel like all I've been seeing is couples holding hands and gazing into each others eyes while they fondly call each other adorable pet names or I'm hearing one success story after another. To make matters worse I do work in the floral industry which in large part revolves around weddings, so It's like being punched in the face over and over again....here's where I am in life-on Sunday my 5 year old talked me into going to church with the promise of a Boston Cream Donut afterwards. And It worked. Flattery and chocolate are my biggest motivators.
Seeing couples and families who are happy and in love is quite honestly very annoying right now, and my God they are everywhere. I probably won't ever say much about the actual breakdown in my marriage but I will say that where this divorce is NOT something that I want I can certainly take responsibility and accountability for my part in this collapse. He is a good person but I took our time together for granted. I will always love him and care deeply for him.
As I mentioned I have a lot of things that I want to share and I promise they are more lighthearted than this one will be but I feel like I have to share my milestone this week in order to do my future stories justice. One week ago yesterday I woke up, took my daughter to school and flew back into bed as quickly as possible. I had the flu.... I had bronchitis and I was sad...I miss my husband, I miss having my team mate to help me out with my daughter on a daily basis and take care of me when I'm sick also I really miss having my best friend to talk to every day about everything that happens in life. I cried for an hour and a half. And I prayed. I prayed for God to rescue me because I couldn't feel like this anymore. And in the blink of an eye, it just stopped, it was like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders, the burdens in my heart disappeared and all my worry, fear and angst just went away. I have felt good all day every day for the past week...for the first time in months. I realized that I had been drowning for 5 straight months. In these past 9 days I haven't cried even once when for months I had spent most of my days in tears.
I'm finally to a point in this 'season' of my life where I'm able and ready to accept my reality and move forward. I've put all my concerns and worries in hands of God and now I'm trying to just do my best and find humor in those moments when everything is going wrong. I can only hope and assume that the good Lord will take all of this hurt and this extremely difficult life change and use it......and redeem it.
"God always has and always will use the most broken people to do great things"
