Tuesday, October 11, 2016

The Best Days of our Lives Haven't Happened Yet

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It's been so long since I've written but it's been such a difficult year. I wouldn't wish a divorce on the worst person I know- there is almost nothing worse a person could go through. I don't know how much i'll talk about it but there are a thousand postivite quotes I've turned to over the last year and one of my favorites is "what a wonderful thought that some of the best days of your life haven't happened yet".

So I might bring it up here and there but to be honest it's all been far more awful than anyone needs to know. Disappointing things have happened this year but some really great things have happened too. I did find that I have a few phenomenal family members and friends who are truly there for me and are the definition of genuine and good people. I am nothing if not incredibly blessed.

I realized that I can get stuck focusing on "right now" and not the bigger picture I can totally fixate on the issues in my life that are happening today instead of considering where I want to be this time next year...or where I could be in 5 years...10 years! I've got a new outlook and a new approach on how to live life as a single mom. It is not easy but we're a great team and we're doing our best and we're gonna kill it!

I made of list of 15 things I want to start working towards this year- even if they're not accomplished I want to start making strides...to be successful you just have to be better than you were a year ago and even though this year has been so hard I can say with absolute certainty that I am a better person and my life is better today than it was a year ago today.

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So I'm going to change my blog a little and make it a little more personal, I'm going to share what's it's like really like to be a parent of a 6 year old, what's it's like to date in what my friend unfortunately refers to as "THE BEARD ERA" and continue to share my adventures!


Tuesday, March 1, 2016


If you didn't read my post last week about having the worst year ever you probably should since it all ties together. Basically I've announced that I am getting divorced. Now I have so many things I want to write about and in doing so with the hope that it might help someone out there...not necessarily someone who's divorced, thinking about it or going through it but anyone who's struggling...with anything. We all have seasons in life that we don't want to go through and it's hard...especially when you feel like everyone around you is thriving. That's how I'm feeling right now anyways... I'm broke financially, I'm broken emotionally and my heart is so broken that is agonizing at times. I'm a mess...for the first time in my life. When I look at my life all I see is my messy house, that my health insurance will be cancelled in a few weeks and that my daughters school project is 4 days late. Being a single person is one thing...probably even considerably enjoyable but being a single mom is just hard. Going from being so dependent on my husband to being the only person responsible and accountable for every single thing all day every day is exhausting and overwhelming. So my hope is that if anyone reading this is suffering just know that you're not alone and even though life might suck right now the odds are that it'll get better....and if it doesn't I'm just going to join the Navy.
      Lately I feel like all I've been seeing is couples holding hands and gazing into each others eyes while they fondly call each other adorable pet names or I'm hearing one success story after another. To make matters worse I do work in the floral industry which in large part revolves around weddings, so It's like being punched in the face over and over again....here's where I am in life-on Sunday my 5 year old talked me into going to church with the promise of a Boston Cream Donut afterwards. And It worked. Flattery and chocolate are my biggest motivators.
Seeing couples and families who are happy and in love is quite honestly very annoying right now, and my God they are everywhere. I probably won't ever say much about the actual breakdown in my marriage but I will say that where this divorce is NOT something that I want I can certainly take responsibility and accountability for my part in this collapse. He is a good person but I took our time together for granted. I will always love him and care deeply for him.

     As I mentioned I have a lot of things that I want to share and I promise they are more lighthearted than this one will be but I feel like I have to share my milestone this week in order to do my future stories justice. One week ago yesterday I woke up, took my daughter to school and flew back into bed as quickly as possible. I had the flu.... I had bronchitis and I was sad...I miss my husband, I miss having my team mate to help me out with my daughter on a daily basis and take care of me when I'm sick also I really miss having my best friend to talk to every day about everything that happens in life.  I cried for an hour and a half. And I prayed. I prayed for God to rescue me because I couldn't feel like this anymore. And in the blink of an eye, it just stopped, it was like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders, the burdens in my heart disappeared and all my worry, fear and angst just went away. I have felt good all day every day for the past week...for the first time in months. I realized that I had been drowning for 5 straight months. In these past 9 days I haven't cried even once when for months I had spent most of my days in tears.

    I'm finally to a point in this 'season' of my life where I'm able and ready to accept my reality and move forward. I've put all my concerns and worries in hands of God and now I'm trying to just do my best and find humor in those moments when everything is going wrong. I can only hope and assume that the good Lord will take all of this hurt and this extremely difficult life change and use it......and redeem it.

            "God always has and always will use the most broken people to do great things"

Friday, January 22, 2016

Worst year ever....

2015 was extremely difficult for me that's why I haven't written in over a year. I've missed my blog and I've really missed writing and this is very hard for me to admit and even to talk about but unfortunately after 10 years of marriage I am currently going through a divorce. Both on an emotional and legal level I can't say very much about it but I will say that my heart is broken into a million pieces and I cannot imagine it will ever go back together. 

Over the past few months I've been drowning in sadness but then I started looking at pictures from the past year and realized that even though I was so down at least I was strong enough to pick myself up and CREATE my own happy memories for me and my daughter. Even though I've shed more tears and felt more broken than any person should ever know, I did laugh a lot...I became very close with some friends, saw how much people truly cared about me, I met a lot of new people, some who have changed my life if only temporarily. And I did actually have some interesting LIFE LIST experiences which was unexpected but I've turned to my list when things aren't good and the outcome is life changing.
 Typically when I post my year in review I have 30 or so items to talk about which is certainly not the case today but the experiences I did have were genuinely special and unforgettable. 

The goal of my blog used to be focused on how I lived the life I wanted on a modest budget as a stay at home mom....I guess now it'll be about how I am going to live the life I want on a single mom budget with very little free time. In the past sharing my stories with you and always receiving such positive feedback kept me very motivated and inspired me to do more - there is no doubt that it will do the same for me again but presumably this time all of these things that I write about will become moments in my life that are even more sincere and noteworthy. This blog never has been just about travel or 'just' about "LIFE LIST GOALS" every time I do something from my list it has changed me in some way. So I don't think this ever has been frivolous but it certainly will not be now.

I spent a lot of time feeling overwhelmed this past year but these are things that made me smile....

I took my daughter to a Buffalo Farm that had been on my life list for YEARS and she liked it so much we ended up having her 5th birthday party there! How I convinced 22 people to drive 2 hours away makes me think I'm in the wrong line of work!

We spent the night on the largest sailboat in Michigan-it was AMAZING!
                                                            We were on the news! I"ve always wanted to be on TV!!!
I flew a seaplane!
This proud Michigandar's dreams came true at work! 

We spent a day raspberry picking just because we had time to kill...
We took 2 amazing trips to Traverse City!
I finally bought my DREAM mattress so I could get a good nights sleep...unfortunately the little one likes it too...
Got a major ego boost from a 22 year soldier at one of the finest weddings I've ever attended ;)

In a surprise turn of events I ended up having the best birthday I've ever had...EVER!
I surprised my daughter with a kitten for her birthday!

I took over the 'plant department' beginning with very little knowledge and can now say that I'm a self taught botanical expert!

My daughter and I had our 4th Hula recital and then became part of a group where we performed at 9 other shows this past summer!! AND actually got paid!

We spent a day at trampolining...how can you not be happy when you're jumping...
I got to be very creative at work and also took on a second job that I adore and is proving to be invaluable experience. 

Along with these things I also bought the car of my dreams and I started taking Archery classes that I attend on Friday nights. So maybe it wasn't the worst year ever...it was just the year that my heart broke. 

"The more difficult something is, the more God is going to multiply you. you're not going to come out the same. You're going to come out better than you were before." 

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