Tuesday, January 22, 2013

receiving terrible news

Around the time that we bought our house I started having some issues with my eyes, they were so dry it literally was difficult to keep them open. I could feel EVERY SINGLE blink....for months. I was already so stressed out, and worried this made things more difficult. I had been to the eye doctor several times and the problem kept getting worse-this lasted for over 4 months. It also made me extremely tired and I often had difficulty driving. The other thing was that my vision in my right eye has seemed a little blurry since I had my baby.

So I did what any neurotic does and I went on web MD. Big mistake. My symptoms lined up with graves and thyroid disease...now I had just had a full healthy physical a few months before but felt like I needed more blood work to rule out these two diseases. So I made an appointment in September for late October. I wanted to wait until my daughters' birthday was over.

In the mean time I was using lots of VERY expensive eye drops along with taking vitamins including FISH OIL-by the time my appointment came around I was actually feeling much better and no longer really concerned. I kept thinking I should cancel my appointment....ahhh thinking and not doing....is never the right way to go! So I went to my appointment, I sat there thinking how silly it was that I was even there as my irrational concerns had dissipated and I didn't feel like anything was really wrong.

I told my doctor why I had come in-dry eyes, blurry vision...."do you get headaches?" he asked "YES ALL THE TIME, Horrible migraines that knock me out for 2 days." This was nothing new-I've always gotten bad headaches so do 3 of my close family members-I kind of wonder if it's genetic.

He told me he would get the blood work I had asked for but then in a concerned tone he told me.....that he wanted to me to get an MRI to scan my brain. It was like being hit by a semi truck. I went in there very light hearted and hearing this was devastating and the worst news I've ever been delivered. I've always thought any kind of brain illness and surgery would be the absolute worst medical thing a person could go through. Maybe I'm wrong...hopefully I never have a conclusion to my assumption.

Years ago one of my brides came into my business and said they had to postpone the wedding because she had a brain tumor. I was so sad for her and I remember assuming that i would not see her again, but much to mu surprise she returned a year later with a large scar on her but seemingly fine and I resumed doing the flowers for her wedding. Knowing that this happened to a girl my age made it seem very real to me.

Needless to say I was terrified. I made my appointment to have an MRI for a month in advance. In that month I cancelled and remade the appointment 3 times. Part of me didn't think there was anything wrong, part of me was scared to death of hearing negative results, and I also knew that there would be an ENORMOUS cost out of my pocket for the exam itself. I was sick to my stomach with worry and angst and the morning of I cancelled. I felt so worried still and kept thinking how much it will bother me for the next months and years to wonder if there's something seriously wrong with me. I called back a few hours later to see if they had filled my slot and she told me that she had never even taken me out off the schedule so I said I would come in. The nurse told me she was glad because 'it might be nothing....but it might very well be something.'

The MRI itself was no fun at all but I think that's mostly because I was just so scared of the possibility that my life could drastically change within the next week.

The day before Thanksgiving the Doctor called......everything from my MRI and blood work was totally normal.

I could not have heard better news on the day before Thanksgiving. Second to giving birth to a healthy baby, I have never been so grateful to God.

As it turns out I'm perfectly healthy...that's what the doctors keep saying anyways.

I've realized something about myself in the past year-there is something wrong with me....I'm nuts! And I may have some hyper erratic anxieties related to anything involving my health. The definition of 'neurotic'
Why? Why do I let these things plague me and cause me so much angst? Then it hit me-I'm 29 years old and I've broken my pelvis, 3 ribs and my arm, I've had a collapsed lung, been in a coma, I've had 3 major surgeries, including a pin in my arm, 3 minor outpatients, I've had cells that were pre cancerous removed, I was viciously attacked by a dog, ruptured cysts, and one time a doctor told me I had shingles (I didn't...I had hives from being told that I had shingles)- I'm just waiting for the next thing to happen! Are these things that bad-no, not really. Much, much worse has happened to many more people in the world. I know lots of people who never worry about things and have the 'what are the odds of that happening to me'....I have the opposite mentality...I hear something and instantly ASSUME that it will happen to me mentality. When I heard about Jack Osborne having MS....I went online and googled the symptoms. Last week while skyping my friend Shannon in Chile she told me about Bethany Frankel nearly dying from having a pill stuck in her throat..days later I popped some dayquil, it didn't feel like it went down all the way so I emailed Shannon for the details on Bethany Frankel's esophagal lodge. This morning my dad called me and told me about his 42 year friend who died of a heart attack...so now there's that to worry about.

I always say that if I was super rich, in stead of having a butler or housekeeper...I'd have a live in medical doctor. My husband says I already have that...it's called 911.

Now, if I worry that much about myself can you imagine how much I worry about my daughter.....
I'm working on this though. I just have to force myself to not look things up online, change the channel when something pops up on tv, urgently decline when someone says "wanna hear something strange...." I am also going to resist the urge to go to the doctor this year every time I have a sniffle or tickle in my throat....at least for one year.


  1. I am 58 years old and have graciously albeit unconsciously extended invitations to myocardial infarctions with each and every one-dollar double-cheeseburger that I have had the dubious pleasure to slide down my esophagus and yet, my heart continues to beat, about 65 times per minute all 1440 minutes of each day. I offer this as evidence that when your time is up, it is up. "Don't worry, be happy!" Bobby McFerrin

    1. Haha!! Ver funny...I know....I'm trying really hard to relax!

  2. I remember in nursing school reading about symptoms of diseases and thinking I had every single one. I have chilled down a lot since then, probably because I am constantly in stressful situations and I have just learned to be patient, and calm.

    During my cancer fiasco I did have some meltdowns, but it was quite the opposite of you because I was demanding to be seen, and demanding to have biopsies. I didn't want to put it off because I knew early detection was the key factor.

    Oh and the internet is the WORST when you are looking up possible reasons for symptoms! Actually some of our doctors tell families don't use WebMD (and other similar websites) because it causes more anxiety to an already anxiety filled situation

    1. Sometimes I think I should go to medical school just so I can treat my own ailments!!! Lol- I'm starting to rub off on my husband too...one day we were in the car and I said..."what is that thing on your neck?"

      In a loud voice filled with panic and desperation he goes "oh God- that feels like a medical issue!!!!!"

      I laughed so hard! Ihes come over to the dark side!

      Omg- I'm glad to hear a nurse agree that webmd and the like are not good resources, i also feel reassured that someone else has had similar thoughts!!!

    2. By the way- my husband also had a complete work up with several doctors...and he's fine too-


I'd really love to hear your thoughts! Comments will post after moderation.

You might also like....