Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The strangest massage ever.....

So last week I told you about my Swedish Massage and I was asked a lot of questions about my prior massage having experience which got me thinking about the most bizarre massage I've ever had.... actually my husband thinks I was molested a little. I used to get massages a lot because I worked with dogs and was lifting 5-80 pound dogs all day long which killed my back so I started getting professional massages when I was around 18 years old. For a long time I went to the same woman out of convenience more than anything since she worked at the same place where I had my nails done. One time my ex boyfriend got me a gift certificate for a massage closer to his house...and it was a massage I'll never forget.

Things started to get weird before I even got there, I was about 15 minutes away and the masseuse called me 'to make sure I was still coming' I confirmed that I had the correct appointment time and hung up wondering why she would call since I was not running late and still had 15 minutes before my appointment started.

Right off the bat she told me to get completely it is one thing if a person chooses to remove every item of clothing of their own accord to be more comfortable but to tell me that I need to get nude was very weird and I should have known then that things would only get weirder. Of course I DID NOT take off all my clothes since it is totally unnecessary to remove your underware for a massage!!! The panties were staying on!

And so it began....she started by lathering her hands with oil and THEN PUTTING IT IN MY HAIR!!! Not only had I just taken a shower but how gross to put gobs of oil all over my head!

You know what she did with those oily little fingers next......SHE STUCK THEM IN MY EAR HOLES. A q-tip, yes. A strangers fingers covered in oil-NO, NO, NO! It was so sickening and this is when I started to think that I must be on a candid camera show. I was in shock by what she was doing to and could only wonder what would happen next.

After that, she squeezed my nose, massaged my eyeballs, made weird noises and got so friendly with my bosoms that I'm too embarrassed to talk about it... but the worst thing she did.....

I'm going to start off by saying that LEAVING MY UNDIES ON WAS THE RIGHT CHOICE. And naturally there was a white sheet covering....however what she did was still far from protocol in my book. She spread my butt cheeks. Yes, that's right, no massaging at all, just gratuitous butt cheek spreading. Now, I had my underoos on and there was the sheet so it's not like she could see my parts- so what was the point? Why would a person spread apart another persons butt cheeks?!?!

It was a feeling of pure relief when it was over-not one moment about this massage was enjoyable or NORMAL. I was much younger then- if something like that happened now I would certainly say something...actually I would probably just leave.....and then file a report.

Have you had a similar experience with a "professional" doing things that seemed... peculiar?

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  1. LOL...this is hilarious...I had a few odd massage experiences in China. On TWO separate occasions I had the males climb on top of me and start rubbing my times I was thinking, "Are you trying to massage my vajayjay?"

    But what I really did was LAUGH HYSTERICALLY! BOTH TIMES! One backed off, and one would not stop! I don't think he got the hint!

    1. Omg....I would have died!!! That's so weird!!! The things that fly in other countries just floors me!!!

      Hysterical story- now it sounds like YOU were molested a little!!

  2. Oh my god! That is an unbelievable experience! You poor thing! Why did she phone you 15mins before, that is just plain stupid, you could be driving or anything!

    I always give people the option of wearing underwear during massage but that they can choose not to if they don't want to, especially if it is a massage to work the lower back and glutes (bum muscles!) as you need to work much lower in order to ease up the sciatic nerve. I would not be happy if someone told me i had to take everything off!

    The butt cheek spreading?! Wierd beyond belief, that is some crazy massage therapist!! I also wouldn't massage someone's bum unless i had explained why i was going to do so and made sure that they were ok with this.

    Poor you that you had to go through that experience, not what you would be wanting when it is a gift.xx

    1. The more I think about it the more I wonder if this person was actually a massage therapist!

  3. "gratuitous butt cheek spreading" is a phrase I have never heard in any other context anywhere! I truly am LOLing!!

    1. Yes!!! It's possibly the greatest phrase I've ever come up with....I should have made that the title! In fact I want tee shirts made up!!!!! Wink, wink someone's got a birthday around the corner!


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